Over the weekend, I was doing some nerdy stuff, specifically, organizing my DVD folder alphabetically, and I needed something to watch that would require no brain power. Browsing through my Netflix options, I was looking for anything, and then the obvious choice found me. I mean, how you could resist the title, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. It just screams “AWESOME” at you. And for good measure, it starred Deborah Gibson, aka Debbie “Only in my Dreams” Gibson, which meant it had to be great. And yes, I mean great as in, this movie will be bad, but bad to the point of making me laugh.
Oh dear God, how could I have been so wrong with this title. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is miserably bad. It had nothing of redeeming value for the viewer whatsoever. Debbie Gibson is a scientist that acts so vapid and dead, that when she is on the screen, you slowly wish that you were emo, so you could cut yourself, sparring your eyes the horror of her acting. There is a point where she falls for a fellow scientist, and when it comes to coupling, she has to actually explain, because the audience must be brain-dead, that “going for a walk” is a euphemism for having sex in a janitor closet. Lorenzo Lamas should get special mention for reminding us that racism is bad, as his character has been designed to make sure that every ethnic slur and politically incorrect terminology is used. I mean, no one expects quality from the astute, Mr. Lamas, but what I saw on the screen this time from him was reprehensible at best, and cringworthy at worst.
The plot has to do with high powered sonar and how they frighten sea animals, and crack deep ice flows that might be holding mega sharks and giant octopi. From there, the movie goes forth, talking up environmental destruction by man and how disasters of this magnitude could happen at some point if we do not change our ways. Yes, a movie about a Giant Octopus and a Mega Shark is somehow the best vehicle to teach us about the environment, but Asylum Entertainment did apparently.
All of the acting could have been forgiven if the action was good, but it is miserable. Imagine a film that uses about 15 effect shots over and over. At one point, the two creatures end up fighting with one another, and the octopus grabs the shark. This grab is reused 26 times through the fight sequence. But the biggest crime against cinema special effects has to be the moment when the shark jumps several hundred feet out of the water to attack a plane flying overhead. Yes, take a moment to read that, a big shark juts hundreds of feet out of the water to take down a full sized jumbo jet. Watching someone in the plane mention that he just got married, and then drop a “Holy Shit” as he sees the shark approach the plane through a window, is priceless.
Knowing my audience, I know that people are going to want to go out and watch it, specifically because I have said how bad it is, and that would be a travesty. There is no reason to find this movie and watch it. Save your time and money and do a five minute search via Google images to see all the pivotal moments from this film. This film will make you contemplate jumping off that ledge and I do not want that on my conscience.
